


In Which Helen Takes a Call

by DwarvenBeardSpores



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Helen causing trouble, Humor, Phone Calls & Telephones, TMA Season 5, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:29:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DwarvenBeardSpores/pseuds/DwarvenBeardSpores
Summary: The phone rings a third time. How many rings had there been in the war zone, before Annabelle gave up? Four, five rings maybe?“Okay,” Martin says. Then, on a whim, “do you-- do you maybe want to get that?”Helen’s grin curls up past her eyes. “Do you know what? I think I would.”
Relationships: Annabelle Cane & Helen | The Distortion, Martin Blackwood & Helen | The Distortion, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 18
Kudos: 96





	In Which Helen Takes a Call

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes you get a fun idea and you just have to write something silly. Thank you to Felix for reading and encouraging.

This time, Helen is there when they hear the ring. Martin sighs as he catches sight of a cell phone nestled jarringly in the branches of something that had maybe once been a tree, trilling a preset ringtone that was still pretty annoying, even though it was probably supposed to be spooky.

“Is that her again?” Martin asks.

It’s Helen who answers. “Oooh, who’s ‘her’? Or, if that’s too useless a question, who do you _think_ she might be?”

“Annabelle Cane,” Jon says. The air grows thick with his focus as he stares wide-eyed at the rose gold iPhone with spideweb cracks across the screen. “And yes. It-- it’s her.” 

The phone rings again.

“Figures,” says Martin. “I mean, this is her Thing now, I guess.” A thought strikes him and he turns to Helen, who’s circling the phone curiously. “ _You_ wouldn’t happen to know what she’s planning, would you?”

Helen grins like he’d just offered her a piece of candy. “Me? You think _I’m_ trusted by Annabelle Cane?”

“I mean… no? But it can’t hurt to ask, right?”

“Technically--” Jon begins, and Martin puts a hand on his shoulder to stop the oncoming analysis of consequences, which yes, Jon is more familiar with than anybody, but _still_. He squeezes gently. Jon sighs and lets it drop.

The phone rings a third time. How many rings had there been in the war zone, before Annabelle gave up? Four, five rings maybe?

“I’m not, actually,” Helen offers. “I have no idea where she’s hiding, let alone have any idea what she wants with you.”

It could be a lie. But honestly, anything here could be, and working himself in circles about it isn’t going to do Martin any good. “Okay,” he says. Then, on a whim, “do you-- do you maybe want to get that?”

Helen’s grin curls up past her eyes. “Do you know what? I think I would.”

In the middle of the fourth ring, she plucks the phone out of the tree and flops down on the ground, like she’s settling in for a long talk. “Hello?”

Jon gives Martin a Look. It’s part disapproval, part surprise (which, it’s always nice to know he can still sometimes surprise an avatar of the Eye), and part curiosity. Martin shrugs. It’s not exactly a plan, it’s more like… an experiment? Like, it can hardly make things _weirder,_ right?

“Is this Annabelle?” Helen says to the phone. “Yes, call me Helen. Lovely apocalypse, isn’t it? Oh, I _know._ ”

As she talks, she twists the phone cord around one long finger, like a teenager in the 60s talking to her crush, regardless of the fact that she had definitely picked up a cell phone about thirty seconds ago. Annabelle seems to talk back, even though Helen is perhaps a bit overenthusiastic and the phone itself gets caught in the twirl, like soft taffy with good bandwidth.

“Anyway,” Helen says. “I’ve been talking to my new best friend Martin, and he’s really not sure what it is you want! He said to ask if you’ve lied to him, or if you’ve _lied-_ lied to him.”

_New best friend,_ Jon mouths, unimpressed, and Martin laughs under his breath and pulls Jon closer against his chest (carefully avoiding poking his extra eyes). Helen’s friendship is likely to be trouble, but given the circumstances, he’ll take it. 

“Uh huh. Oh, really! _Really!_ No, I haven’t, do tell!” Helen tilts her head, causing a small eddy in the fabric of reality. “Oh, I couldn’t possibly! Yes, he is.”

“Can you see Annabelle now?” Martin asks, low in Jon’s ear. 

Jon shakes his head. “Not this time. There’s too much… distortion.” 

“Right. Yeah, that would make sense.”

Jon leans his head against Martin’s chest. “That was… sort of a pun.” All of his eyes, even the unusual ones, give a contemplative blink. “But it’s also true. I can’t see any more clearly than before. The phone line, the spider webs… it all just disappears before it can lead anywhere.”

“Now that _is_ interesting,” Helen says. “Well I’d imagine so.” She puts one hand over the phone, ineffectively muffling a mouthpiece that wasn’t there to begin with. “Martin! Annabelle wants to know what your favorite anime is!”

“I-- _what?_ ”

“She has recommendations. In case you get bored!”

Martin shakes his head. What could that possibly have to do with _anything?_ “I mean… no? Tell her thanks, I guess, but I’m good, and it’s not like I can stream anything out here, anyway. A-and even if I could, I’m a little _busy_ and I don’t really-- no. No!”

“He says Hamtaro,” Helen tells the phone.

Martin groans.

“I really don’t know what you expected,” Jon says quietly.

“ _You_ expected her to go to anime?” 

“I mean, _no,_ not _exactly_ , but--”

“Honestly, I expected something… a little more menacing? Unless she’s spilling the secret to all our plans, which is hidden in the plot of- of _Hamtaro_ , but as far as _I_ know…” 

“It isn’t. I- I mean. The Eye says it’s not. I’ve never watched it.”

“Right,” Martin says. “... Good to know, I guess?”

Something seems to have turned the conversation sour, as Helen has taken on an expression that might be a pout, if you’d passed the pout through a pasta roller and then pulsed it in a blender. It’s admittedly a hard expression to understand, but the tone with which she says “I was being _friendly!_ What does _everyone_ have against having _fun?_ ” and the finality of the way she snaps the now-flip-phone closed makes for useful context.

“Yeah,” Martin says. “Annabelle is… kind of like that.”

Helen is on her feet now, the phone just… gone? Maybe absorbed into her body, or cast away or yanked up by a spider web or something. “Oh well. She’ll come around! As much as she can, anyway. Just like you, Jon! At least _she_ has a head start on being a good liar.”

Jon sighs, like he’s gearing up for another argument.

Martin squeezes him again. “Alright, let’s not-- Helen, what did Annabelle _say?”_

Helen beams proudly. “Do you really think I’d tell you?”

“I thought I was your ‘new best friend’.” 

She laughs. “Have you _met_ me?”

“Obviously?”

Helen continues laughing, like that settles the point. Which honestly? It kind of does.

“Whatever. I still think it was better for you to answer than me.” And Martin is going to stand by that until he sees, like, swirly team-up spiders that prove otherwise. 

“Oh, I do appreciate it. And don’t worry. I think she really is _lie-_ lying to you.” Helen winks with both her eyes.

“Uh, right. Great. Very reassuring.”

Jon looks at Martin. “Next time we should just let it ring out.”

“You really do take every opportunity to be rude, don’t you Jon?” Helen shakes her head in several directions at once. “And I suppose that’s my cue to go. Do keep me updated, Martin!” She reaches behind her and twists a doorknob that hadn’t been there, creaking the door open through her body, and closing it firmly as she disappears inside the passage.

Martin looks at Jon. Jon looks at Martin. 

“Onwards, then?” Martin says.

Jon shrugs. “Onwards.” They walk in silence for a few moments before Jons adds, “if, ah, if you want to talk about your actual anime opinions? I-- I’d like to hear them.”

Martin squeezes his hand. “I thought you’d never ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t ask me about Martin’s anime opinions, I do not know enough to have a solid headcanon. That said, if you have thoughts, I’d be happy to hear them.
> 
> Credit for Helen’s guess of Hamtaro goes to Felix <3
> 
> Also, who knows what Annabelle was actually saying… but one time I was listening to her episode and misheard “have you read War and Peace, Jon?” as “have you read One Piece, Jon?” and that has informed my characterization of her ever since.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I’d love to know what you thought. You can also find me on tumblr as dwarven-beard-spores, or twitter, as @beardspores.


End file.
